Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Who are your heroes?

Do you have a hero? Who are your heroes? I always wondered why Myspace felt so compelled to put that question to its members. I was always amused by the names of people's heroes. They included iconic figures such as John Wayne, Albert Einstein and Jesus Christ, plus some of the popular names associated with Hollywood scandals and politics. John Wayne's courage portrayed by his characters, the good versus evil, where the good always triumphs to a happy ending, makes for someone to which we can all aspire. Einstein, with his unparalleled intelligence and his contributions to science make for a person worthy of placing high upon a pedestal. The choice of Jesus Christ would be for obvious reasons, with his teachings of love and forgiveness.. I have often wondered why we choose these people as our heroes, and the connection between our heroes and the people we would like to be.

What's my definition of a hero? A hero to me is someone who imparts wisdom and strength upon me, someone who cares enough about me to tell me when I'm doing wrong, or to support me when I'm doing right. A hero to me is someone who won't be afraid to show his weaknesses, if only to show me how to recognize my own weaknesses. A hero to me will be a role model. My heroes lead by example, rather than by barking orders at me. My heroes can gently break through the impenetrable barrier that I unwittingly put up that so often separates me from good advice or kind words. I never asked that my heroes be perfect, rather I only ask that my heroes show me that they understand me, and that they will be there for me, to pick me up when I fall or to pat me on the back with a reassuring "job well done". As I write this blog I realize how fortunate I am to be surrounded by so many people who fill the shoes of a hero.

I have been told many times that I keep my emotions in my pocket. I have always been private with my emotions, and so often I have a wall around me, impenetrable by those who seek to bring out my personal feelings. I can go back to the "How do you feel about this?" question I heard so many times. I resisted the constant prodding to tell everyone how I feel. Their persistence only succeeded in my building a higher, stronger wall around me. When I was a small child I would sit and play by myself, the whole time singing a song I had learned. When my mother would persuade me to sing it again, or to perform the song in front of others, I'd become mute. This is how it is with my emotions. But there are many times when I can look inside myself and share my feelings. And in order for a person to talk about his heroes, he must be able to explain why. And behind a person's criteria for heroism you will discover emotions.

I thought about my heroes and who would be worthy of occupying a space on my own personal Myspace page. During the past several months I've given the subject of heroes a lot of thought. Let me tell you what I think.

First on my list was Jeremiah. Jeremiah was a volunteer at the rehab center. He read to me from the Bible. He was an elderly man with an incredible faith. His gentle and patient personality coupled with a worldly knowledge made him a man worthy of respect. He ignored my arrogant attitude, and he must have known that I would soon understand that he was trying to help me. I often refer to him as my angel of mercy. On many occasions he would look at me with his piercing yet gentle eyes and tell me that I should never put myself in such a position that I would ever end up back here. How ironic that as quickly as he came into my life, his life ended. My main regret that I hold to this day is that I never got the chance to hug him and thank him when I was released from rehab. I have placed Jeremiah high on my list of life's heroes, and I will always have him in my heart.

Definitely not to be considered #2 by any means would be my brother Alex. I always looked up to Alex. I always aspired to be like Alex. Alex was a jock, and he enjoyed the popularity associated with the status. Alex had his sights set high, and he achieved his goals. He maintained a straight A average all through school, and he has the kind of job that is exciting, as well as one that I consider a little bit scary. Alex always had time for me. He was a voice of authority and reason. He let me sneak into bed with him when I had nightmares. He saved my life by pulling me out of the pool by my long hair when I forgot to put on my floats. Alex taught me a lot about life, and about things that fly and things that buzz. He yelled at me when I deserved it, as well as praising me when I earned it. He has never let me down, and I have received so much more than I've ever given. Someday I hope to change that.

When I came to a fork in the road, I made the right choice when I decided to visit with my father, and to bring everything out into the open. Ten years of emotions can distort a person's thinking. My parents were divorced when I was six years old. Dad had a drinking problem. During the summer of 2008 I visited my father, who now lives in Phoenix. Now a recovering alcoholic, married to a woman also in recovery, he enjoys a clean and successful life. I was filled with a lot of apprehension before I saw him, but after we began to talk about the past, I realized that my father wasn't the bad person I thought he was. By the time I left we had smoothed out all of our past issues, and we spoke openly about our feelings. There were apologies from both of us, and there were promises. I learned about everything he did for me, even though I never knew it. Maybe I never listened; maybe I never heard it, but he told me he loves me. That meant more to me than anything else. And although I never said it to him, I told him I love him, too. Dad, for the courage portrayed by John Wayne, the intelligence of Einstein and for the level of forgiveness that you showed me through the love of Jesus Christ, I've placed you among my list of heroes.

And last but not least is a hero who loves me so much he'd kicked my butt. I'm talking about Jeff S. from New Jersey. Jeff always showed me unfaltering patience and love. He's another older brother to me. He once told me the difference between an erection and an orgasm. By golly jeepers...I had it backwards. As he once said to me, "A vagina by any other name still smells the same." I had heard the same quote using a rose, but this got the point across with a higher degree of laughter. Jeff was a surfer boy who lived in a New Jersey seashore community, and he had a surfboard that would fit all us little kids. We called it "The Bus". We'd pile on and he'd push us all around. That was the best ride of them all. He'd tell us to hold on, and then he'd bounce the board, making sure that none of us little kids fell off. I fell in love with a little stuffed rabbit he won on the boardwalk. When it came time to go home my mother told me to give it back to Jeff. Jeff held the rabbit to his ear and said, "You know what he said? He said he wants to go home with you." He was always nice to kids. Maybe that's why he's the best teacher in the world. Maybe that's why I want to be a teacher, too. Jeff didn't like to see the path I had taken when I was 16 years old. I found the wrong kids that summer when we were visiting them. He told me that he didn't like seeing me in that state and that I had to straighten up. I laughed at him, so he hit me. He hit me again. He kept hitting me but I knew, even through my dilated pupils, that he was hurting just as I was. The message got through. He still apologizes for that. I still thank him for that...for loving me so much he beat me up. Jeff is also my literary role model. I read every one of his blogs, and then I read them all again. I wish I could write as he does, with a sense of clarity so that I can hear him speaking. I continue to try, even though he says the words I hear so often. "Just be yourself." I love you, Jeff. Thanks.

You've probably wondered why I didn't put David as my #1 hero. The answer to that is simple. David occupies a very special spot in my life. He wouldn't be in that spot if he weren't a hero to me. David has let me cry on his shoulder. David has held me in his arms when I was weak or cried myself to sleep, afraid of my ability to resist temptation. He has listened to me when he could just as easily have told me to grow up or stop whining. His love and patience never ends. I know where I would be without him, and I'm thankful to the Lord above that I'm not there, because I would not be here. I've learned to live and to love life, and that the temptations of evil are no contest for the power of love and faith. I have never experienced love in my life the way I feel it for David. I have tried to return that love, and I will make it my life's work to show him just how much he means to me. Life has gotten so wonderful for me, and it only gets better with every passing day. David occupies a special place in my soul. It's a place for heroes and soul mates. I owe my life to my soul mate, a very special guy named David.

My list doesn't end there. There are my online heroes as well. Michael M. in Texas has offered me wisdom and patience that I am still learning. He told me that it's OK to be me. He recognizes my youth, and he encourages me to be the kid I can be as well as the intelligent young man I'd like to be. He offers hugs and love to my family and me, yet he rarely gets them back. I often blush when he says all the nice things I don't want to hear, and he knows it. My shyness shows at times, and he knows about the wall I put up between kind words and myself. But he knows that he has gotten through to me. So Michael, you are a hero to me. I love you as someone who has had extraordinary patience with me, yet someone who isn't afraid to tell me I'm being a jerk...in nice terms. And if I may say, hugs from David, Mom and ME.

If you think I've forgotten YOU, don't worry. You're reading my blog because you are special to me. I gave you my email address because you mean something to me. You've made it clear to me that you want to include me in your lives. How can I thank you for this? There are names of people who have only recently discovered Michael the Blogger. You know who you are. I look forward to getting to know some of you better, as I have not met you until recently.

I sat and thought about this last one for a while, but I want to mention someone very special to me. This person of honorable mention is someone about whom I always cared very deeply. I worry, too. His name is Ethan. I don't know how old he is, and he never told me. His Myspace age is 99, so I will treat him as if he is 16 years old. We shared quite a few frank conversations, and I'm glad we did. He got into showing suggestive mirror image pictures of himself on his Myspace page. The red switching lights flashed in my head. I was afraid he was on the wrong path...a path I took. I don't know if he got the message. He also got into web camming. I didn't want to know what he was doing. Many of his friends are obvious pedophiles intent on befriending young boys under the muse of being a young, hot gay boy. But Ethan is a giving kind of kid. In spite of a skin ailment that prohibits him from extended exposure to sunlight, he has become a teenage escape artist. He puts on shows for handicapped children. He escapes from straight jackets, in boxes, under water, hanging upside down, or whatever. Please...I don't want to watch. We shared so much, but something happened, and he lost interest...or faith in me. I would have helped with his writing problems, but he didn't want any help. I tried not to push the issue. I'll never forget Ethan. I will always remember him as one of the most special online friends I ever had. So Ethan, for your willingness to make children's lives a little happier at the risk of your safety, and for the happiness you give to others in the kind words you say, you are a hero to me.

Understandably, this blog has taken me some time to write. This has been a challenge to write. I did not want to run the risk of leaving anybody out, resulting in hurt feelings. When the speaker gets up and thanks people for helping out, and someone's name isn't mentioned, the end result is the slighting of someone whose contributions proved invaluable to the end result. This blog could be as endless as the list of heroes in my life. You've just read only a few of the names. After all, I need to do some studying. That way I might be on a similar list someday. Thank you for reading.

Monday, February 8, 2010

Did you ever work for a moving company?

I have helped people move. One person says to put the sofa here. The other isn't happy with that, and you end up putting the sofa in several different locations before everyone agrees on the location...or one person walks out.

I am still deciding on a template. You might see changes along the say. If you don't like the scheme, wait a day or two.

Also...I am not happy about the title of my blog. It sounds like I'm opinionated. It isn't ME. This will change, too.

Thanks for your understanding while I move the furniture around. I'm also in the process of writing another blog, and I want to post it before I go visit my father. I'm leaving on Thursday.

I also got a suggestion that if you sign as "Anonymous", please put your name on it (unless you do want it anonymous). I hope this isn't a pain for people. We're all gentlemen and ladies, adults and adulteresses.


Michael "Frustrated Mover" Jacob

Saturday, February 6, 2010

And now for something completely different.

One of my Myspace posts, originally posted on October 25, 2008.

And now for something completely different.

Current mood: nostalgic

"Nice meeting you, too."

I'll say nice! Oh my gosh! He's amazing! His eyes...his face...his hair...everything about him is perfect. I'm nervous. Why am I so nervous? This is my first day. I've done this before. I can't stop looking at him. He said he'd keep an eye on me. Caught again. He saw me checking him out. Damn it! Every time I look at him he turns to look at me. OK, Michael, calm down. CHILL!

Is it this busy every night? My vest. Is it OK? Yes. It's fine. My hair. Is it OK? Yes. It's fine. My shoes are polished. Laces tied. Fly closed. Good. This should be easy. This door's in. This door's out. It's time. Let the show begin.

"Here's your fork, sir. I do apologize for that."

Shove your fork. I don't care about forks. Oh...there he is again. Where was I? Oh. Right. Table 16. People waste too much food. Not my problem. Ughh! This one is heavy. To the dishwashers we go.

"Here ya go. Thanks dudes."

"¿Más platos? Gracias mi amigo. Le rompió el vidrio. ¿Quién es usted? ¿Cómo te llamas? ¿Tu madre te visten?"

"You're welcome."

That man. The signal. I'm coming, I'm coming.

"More water, sir?"


No problem, ingrates. You look like shitty tippers, anyway. I'm only a slave around here.

Stop, Michael. Easy on the attitude. Oh look. There he is again. Did he just smile at me? Why do I melt every time I look at him? Why do I melt every time he looks at me? Going in......here he comes out. He smiled at me again. Easy Michael.

What's next? Refresh 19. No sweat. Fold. Shake. Flip. Smooth. Cheap ass place can't use clean tablecloths. A 1 forkie forkie, a 2 forkie forkie, a 3 forkie forkie, a 4 forkie forkie. I'm feeling so...so....so gay! A 1 salad salad, a 2 salad salad...

Did I just spill? That's right. Pour from the side, away from the patron, over the floor. Wipe the glass if needed. I know this. I can do it. Something isn't completely right tonight. What's wrong with me?

I think I have the hang of this now. I think I'm relaxed. I like being busy. It keeps my mind off...things.

Gasp! Here he comes again. He's talking to me. He's talking to me. To me!


What did he say? I was looking at his mouth and his eyes but I don't know what he said. Oh no. Bite the bullet, Mikey, just ask him again.

Why's he laughing like that? He's cute when he laughs. Oh right. That's what he said. I'll turn this into a table for 8. Reservation for 9:00. I'm your man. I'll do it for you. I'll do anything for you. I'm like a lost sparrow and he's like a mighty eagle that will protect me. I feel so helpless around him. What's wrong with me?

Eye contact. Now I have a reason. I'm looking right into his eyes. He's, what, 30 feet away from me. He's taking a drink order from the couple that smells like moth balls. I'll just wander over there and fill their water glasses...again. Wait for him to finish. That's right. Now. He's looking at me. It's all business. I point to the table. He gives me thumbs up. He smiled at me. Did you see that smile? What next? I can do this. I know I can do this. What's wrong with me?

Fine. The bus boy never talks. I'll just pour water. What's this guy saying?

"Finally a bus boy who speaks English!"

I know that guy. He's on TV or something. I give him my Michael smile. That's enough. I hate to smile. Anybody got a joint? No, can't do that. Never again. Get a grip, Michael.

My hair! It's a mess! Quick, the brush. Who's pulling my hair down over my collar? Oh you. You're that funny woman. She's smiling at me and has her hand on my shoulder.

"Michael. Relax. You're doing fine, buddy."

Did she just look at that guy, and then back at me? Does she know what I'm thinking? Shit! Maybe he knows. Oh no! And now I'm giggling. I'm such a jerk when I giggle.

What a night. One more table left. I'm hurting. I'm all alone. There. Done. Out there by the dumpster. It's that funny woman and HIM. Aha! That's where they go to smoke. Sneaky devils, aren't they? I think I'll take out the garbage.

Why is she laughing at me? She keeps looking at me, and then at HIM. I wish I could be alone with him. I wish she would leave. What's this? She's leaving. Now it's just... It's just... Oh no. Now I have to talk. He's talking. What's he saying? I can't take my eyes off him. He's beautiful. Do you know how beautiful you are? Maybe someday I'll tell you. He put his hand on my shoulder. Leave it there. Never take it off. It's gentle. It's warm. It's strong. I feel so weak. I'm a baby. What's wrong with me?

Did he say "See you tomorrow"?

You bet you will. I'll see you tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow after that. The day is over. It was a busy night. I'm tired. My feet hurt. I managed to keep from dumping anything on anybody. I filled enough water glasses to fill an Olympic-sized swimming pool. I carried out enough dirty dishes to fill the kitchen. I'm glad he kept an eye on me. I wonder if he knows I kept an eye on him, too.

PRESS. Oh shit! Not the panic button. There goes my alarm. He's laughing at me again. I'm not the coolest thing he's ever seen. He's walking over to me. Nice handshake. How about a kiss? Only in your dreams, Michael. But check this out. We're talking. I'm listening. It's almost as if he knows I'm...no, couldn't be. And with a wave of the hand he drives off. But as he left...did he smile at me? Did he smile as if he meant it? Was it a "he likes me" kind of smile? My heart's racing. What's wrong with me?

I'm home. I'm tired. "My night? It was OK. Night, Mom."

In the darkness I think about him...his smile, his voice, his touch. I want him to touch me again. I want him to touch me all over. I want HIM. I'll lie here until I fall asleep. I'll think of him. I'll keep saying his name over and over in my mind until I go to sleep. Maybe I'll dream about him tonight. Maybe I'll dream about that amazing guy I met tonight. I think I'm going to like working there. I'm definitely going to like working with him. I'm tired. I'll hold my pillow as I wish I could hold him. I hope I dream about him. I hope to make him mine. Tonight I met the most amazing guy in the world, a beautiful, gentle guy...named David. What's wrong with me, anyway?

Thursday, February 4, 2010

An introduction...or Here we go again.

However you found this blog, whether someone recommended it to you or you heard about it from me, I would like to welcome you as a reader. I'd like to start off by telling you a little about myself. But don't worry. I'll leave out all the gory and boring details. As open and public as I am, there are times when I prefer to be at least a little private about certain details.

I live in Los Angeles and I'm a 21 year-old college senior. I started out as a Journalism major, but now I'm looking forward toward a teaching career. I know a few people who have gone this same path, and I have heard and seen the joy in all they say about a career with an endless bounty of rewards. I tutored a seventh grader a while ago, and that was so rewarding that I decided to look a little more closely at my career path. I have close friends who have tried to talk some sense into me, to use the talents...or gifts I have, and pass them on. At the present time I am hoping to work in the area of substance abuse rehabilitation. I'm not sure where I will fit in, but if prior experiences are a plus, then I am a step ahead of the competition. It saddens me to think how nobody wants to go into teaching in 2010. I understand teaching to be, at times, a thankless job. Then I ask myself why it has to be that way. I also ask myself why I would want to go into a profession that not only pays less than many jobs with the same education requirements, but would also be regarded as thankless. Friends of mine refer to one's "calling". This is my calling. I decided to follow the call. I'm not sure where it will lead me, but I'm ready for the ride.

When I read one's About Me in Myspace I see statistics that don't necessarily describe the person. I am a white boy of English, Dutch, Scottish, Irish, French extraction. Myspace is hung up on Status, Ethnicity, Orientation, Religion, Smoker, Drinker, Children, plus many other categories. Such criteria in determining friendship completely escape me. But I was open with all of the above. Let me start out by telling you that I am openly gay. You won't see a banner above, announcing that I'm a gay white boy, or that my blog is all about the life of a gay white boy. I'm not in anyone's face about it, and I don't tend to be an activist about anything, including being gay. Being gay is a part of the entire package of what is known as "ME", rather than what I am. I don't write about gay issues unless I'm writing about a person who also happens to be gay, or someone who is having difficulty coming out. The only indication a reader will have about my sexuality will be my mention of David, the most warm, wonderful person in my life. This would make my Status "In a Relationship". To say he's been good to me would be a gross understatement. He's the kind of person who lets me cry on his shoulder. He'll talk sense into my head and tell me I'm being a fool, yet never allow me to doubt that he's doing it because he loves me. I wrote a very descriptive blog about the first time I met David. I will post that here. So if my being gay turns you against me, please read no further. I'm glad you stopped by, and thanks for reading this far.

As for Religion, I was baptized Methodist, although I've been to most Protestant denominational churches. I keep my religious beliefs private, although most know that I have a very strong faith in God. I had an eye-opening experience a few years ago, and a very patient and loving gentleman found the most fitting and perfect scripture readings to share with me. While I am not what anyone would consider Born Again, I believe I was able to get in touch with the faith that was already within me. I do believe we all have a purpose. I'm discovering mine.

My parents were divorced when I was much younger. I recently reconnected with my father, who lives in Phoenix. My father and I are very similar, right down to some of the details that one would rather forget. Dad is a recovering alcoholic, married to a lovely woman who is also recovering. The person who says that addiction isn't hereditary should know my family. I have a history of drugs and alcohol, although that is in the past. I even question how I ever made it through high school so near to the top of my class. This brings up the subject of Purpose once again.

I have been to visit my father several times, and we have not only smoothed out the rough times in our past but we've formed a father-son relationship that is like nothing else I've ever known. It seemed that as things started getting better, they got better exponentially.

I live with my mother and my sister Christine. My brother Alex lives with his wife and their 18 month old son Ethan. I could write a lot about Ethan. He's my nephew Yankee Doodle, born on the Fourth of July. Mom and I were a day from leaving for New Jersey when Alex's wife went into labor. I believe my blog for that day was: "Hold Everything. There's going to be more than fireworks today!" Alex and Christine are Mom's children from her first marriage. I am the product of her second.

I've always enjoyed writing. I received several literacy and penmanship awards from the second grade through high school. I was influenced by many people, especially my parents, who encouraged proper grammar, and later, Mom, who wasn't the least bit discrete when it came to my writing errors. I hope she doesn't read my blog. Did you read that, Sean? I was always encouraged to write, and I had hoped to make it a career. Life changes when you least expect it.

As time goes by you'll learn a little more about me. But I'll end this what my own words from my Myspace.

As time goes on you may learn a little bit more about me and my completely unpredictable life. I'm full of surprises. My blogs will not attempt to hide the person I am. I'll put it there for all to read...the good and the bad...my virtues and my vices. I may make you laugh. If I do, yay. I can be funny. I may make you cry. If I do, that's good, too. I can be very sensitive.

Thanks for visiting...and please come visit me again soon. Thank you a lot. Just one more thing. Don't ever pass up the chance to say "I love you."

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

This new blog.

I have typed an email, which I will send in a mass email to inform everyone of my new email address and my new blog. This blog is going to be 100% public, and it is open to all from Myspace and from my life in general.

I have ideas for future postings, including some of my experiences over Christmas in Bali. The best idea for a blog would be to do as I did in my third Myspace account, which is to introduce people to who I am. My attitude is one of allowing people to stop by, read, and decide. If they think they might like to know a little more about me, then they can be regular readers. Those who don't like what they read can go somewhere else. I haven't deleted any prior blog postings, since they were merely means for me to test this system. I think I like it. As long as I remember how to get back here I'll be alright.

I got a suggestion to re-post some of my classic blogs, and I might do that. I hope to post a blog about once a week, but as you all know, my schoolwork comes first.

If you're reading my blogs for the first time, thank you for your interest. I hope you enjoy what I have to say. To my seasoned readers, I will try to write in the same manner to which you have become accustomed. And this has spell check and auto saving of drafts, so no more typing offline!

Thanks for reading. I will begin regular blogging within a few days.

Monday, February 1, 2010

Current Thoughts

I'm still trying to find a blog home on the net, so if you're here as one of my readers, thanks. I will try to keep you informed as to where my permanent blogging home will be.

I want to first thank you for giving me your email addresses. I have tried to stay in touch with a couple of friends, and I've asked that they pass along the information that I will be sending out an email to you all. I thank you for your understanding and your patience.

I am not allowed to discuss the current litigation in progress. Let me assure you that while I am not in any legal trouble, the details of the current litigation are not to be discussed. Please don't ask me any specific questions as I will not respond. I understand your concern, but I have been advised by council not to discuss this case.

I have been told to expect the possibility that my online activities will be monitored. There is nothing concrete to offer me proof that my online activities are currently being monitored, but this has become a possibility as well as a concern. I fully expect my computer to be confiscated again, and I am ready for it. There is nothing of an incriminating nature on my computer. I do not have any copyrighted images or other web images on my computer. I have removed all personal blogging information. I ask again that you don't ask me for specific information in that regard. (This is the worst case scenario only. It probably is not happening nor will happen.)

There is some news that I would like to share with you. I have made arrangements to return to Bali at the end of July. I will be there for a period of four months. At the end of that term I can opt to extend my stay. This is the experience of a lifetime. My task will be to teach Conversational English to local people who have learned English but can't effectively communicate in English. Now, there has been one twist to this that has me even more excited. At the present time, we are approximately 99% sure that David will be going with me. His boss has assured him that his job at the restaurant will be there when he returns. What's even more amazing is how his boss not only allowed his leave of absence but encouraged it. David has told me how much the boss thinks of me, and as a gesture of hope and good will, he is allowing David to go for four months. Do I have to tell you how excited this makes me? I will be posting more information about this in the very near future.

With the exception of some turbulence in my life at the present time, I am doing my best to keep a positive attitude. This should not interfere with my Bali plans, as this would make a lot of people look pretty inhumane, but as I have learned in the past, being inhumane is a good way to break someone down. I refuse to be buffaloed.

I am going to end this now. I like how this works and I like how it looks, so maybe this will work. Once I figure out the best way to pass along the URL, or figure it out, I will go live with this.

Thank you all for your understanding. I fear I might have made one or two people mad at me by deleting my Myspace account, but I need to tell you the truth and say that that's the least of my worries. I know I lost friends over the months of relative silence, but I have told you why I was silent. Let's face it. It's my life and I have to live it.

I will be blogging here, so if there is a button for clicking to get notices that I updated, click it. Peace out and thank you.