Who are your heroes?

Do you have a hero? Who are your heroes? I always wondered why Myspace felt so compelled to put that question to its members. I was always amused by the names of people's heroes. They included iconic figures such as John Wayne, Albert Einstein and Jesus Christ, plus some of the popular names associated with Hollywood scandals and politics. John Wayne's courage portrayed by his characters, the good versus evil, where the good always triumphs to a happy ending, makes for someone to which we can all aspire. Einstein, with his unparalleled intelligence and his contributions to science make for a person worthy of placing high upon a pedestal. The choice of Jesus Christ would be for obvious reasons, with his teachings of love and forgiveness.. I have often wondered why we choose these people as our heroes, and the connection between our heroes and the people we would like to be.

What's my definition of a hero? A hero to me is someone who imparts wisdom and strength upon me, someone who cares enough about me to tell me when I'm doing wrong, or to support me when I'm doing right. A hero to me is someone who won't be afraid to show his weaknesses, if only to show me how to recognize my own weaknesses. A hero to me will be a role model. My heroes lead by example, rather than by barking orders at me. My heroes can gently break through the impenetrable barrier that I unwittingly put up that so often separates me from good advice or kind words. I never asked that my heroes be perfect, rather I only ask that my heroes show me that they understand me, and that they will be there for me, to pick me up when I fall or to pat me on the back with a reassuring "job well done". As I write this blog I realize how fortunate I am to be surrounded by so many people who fill the shoes of a hero.

I have been told many times that I keep my emotions in my pocket. I have always been private with my emotions, and so often I have a wall around me, impenetrable by those who seek to bring out my personal feelings. I can go back to the "How do you feel about this?" question I heard so many times. I resisted the constant prodding to tell everyone how I feel. Their persistence only succeeded in my building a higher, stronger wall around me. When I was a small child I would sit and play by myself, the whole time singing a song I had learned. When my mother would persuade me to sing it again, or to perform the song in front of others, I'd become mute. This is how it is with my emotions. But there are many times when I can look inside myself and share my feelings. And in order for a person to talk about his heroes, he must be able to explain why. And behind a person's criteria for heroism you will discover emotions.

I thought about my heroes and who would be worthy of occupying a space on my own personal Myspace page. During the past several months I've given the subject of heroes a lot of thought. Let me tell you what I think.

First on my list was Jeremiah. Jeremiah was a volunteer at the rehab center. He read to me from the Bible. He was an elderly man with an incredible faith. His gentle and patient personality coupled with a worldly knowledge made him a man worthy of respect. He ignored my arrogant attitude, and he must have known that I would soon understand that he was trying to help me. I often refer to him as my angel of mercy. On many occasions he would look at me with his piercing yet gentle eyes and tell me that I should never put myself in such a position that I would ever end up back here. How ironic that as quickly as he came into my life, his life ended. My main regret that I hold to this day is that I never got the chance to hug him and thank him when I was released from rehab. I have placed Jeremiah high on my list of life's heroes, and I will always have him in my heart.

Definitely not to be considered #2 by any means would be my brother Alex. I always looked up to Alex. I always aspired to be like Alex. Alex was a jock, and he enjoyed the popularity associated with the status. Alex had his sights set high, and he achieved his goals. He maintained a straight A average all through school, and he has the kind of job that is exciting, as well as one that I consider a little bit scary. Alex always had time for me. He was a voice of authority and reason. He let me sneak into bed with him when I had nightmares. He saved my life by pulling me out of the pool by my long hair when I forgot to put on my floats. Alex taught me a lot about life, and about things that fly and things that buzz. He yelled at me when I deserved it, as well as praising me when I earned it. He has never let me down, and I have received so much more than I've ever given. Someday I hope to change that.

When I came to a fork in the road, I made the right choice when I decided to visit with my father, and to bring everything out into the open. Ten years of emotions can distort a person's thinking. My parents were divorced when I was six years old. Dad had a drinking problem. During the summer of 2008 I visited my father, who now lives in Phoenix. Now a recovering alcoholic, married to a woman also in recovery, he enjoys a clean and successful life. I was filled with a lot of apprehension before I saw him, but after we began to talk about the past, I realized that my father wasn't the bad person I thought he was. By the time I left we had smoothed out all of our past issues, and we spoke openly about our feelings. There were apologies from both of us, and there were promises. I learned about everything he did for me, even though I never knew it. Maybe I never listened; maybe I never heard it, but he told me he loves me. That meant more to me than anything else. And although I never said it to him, I told him I love him, too. Dad, for the courage portrayed by John Wayne, the intelligence of Einstein and for the level of forgiveness that you showed me through the love of Jesus Christ, I've placed you among my list of heroes.

And last but not least is a hero who loves me so much he'd kicked my butt. I'm talking about Jeff S. from New Jersey. Jeff always showed me unfaltering patience and love. He's another older brother to me. He once told me the difference between an erection and an orgasm. By golly jeepers...I had it backwards. As he once said to me, "A vagina by any other name still smells the same." I had heard the same quote using a rose, but this got the point across with a higher degree of laughter. Jeff was a surfer boy who lived in a New Jersey seashore community, and he had a surfboard that would fit all us little kids. We called it "The Bus". We'd pile on and he'd push us all around. That was the best ride of them all. He'd tell us to hold on, and then he'd bounce the board, making sure that none of us little kids fell off. I fell in love with a little stuffed rabbit he won on the boardwalk. When it came time to go home my mother told me to give it back to Jeff. Jeff held the rabbit to his ear and said, "You know what he said? He said he wants to go home with you." He was always nice to kids. Maybe that's why he's the best teacher in the world. Maybe that's why I want to be a teacher, too. Jeff didn't like to see the path I had taken when I was 16 years old. I found the wrong kids that summer when we were visiting them. He told me that he didn't like seeing me in that state and that I had to straighten up. I laughed at him, so he hit me. He hit me again. He kept hitting me but I knew, even through my dilated pupils, that he was hurting just as I was. The message got through. He still apologizes for that. I still thank him for that...for loving me so much he beat me up. Jeff is also my literary role model. I read every one of his blogs, and then I read them all again. I wish I could write as he does, with a sense of clarity so that I can hear him speaking. I continue to try, even though he says the words I hear so often. "Just be yourself." I love you, Jeff. Thanks.

You've probably wondered why I didn't put David as my #1 hero. The answer to that is simple. David occupies a very special spot in my life. He wouldn't be in that spot if he weren't a hero to me. David has let me cry on his shoulder. David has held me in his arms when I was weak or cried myself to sleep, afraid of my ability to resist temptation. He has listened to me when he could just as easily have told me to grow up or stop whining. His love and patience never ends. I know where I would be without him, and I'm thankful to the Lord above that I'm not there, because I would not be here. I've learned to live and to love life, and that the temptations of evil are no contest for the power of love and faith. I have never experienced love in my life the way I feel it for David. I have tried to return that love, and I will make it my life's work to show him just how much he means to me. Life has gotten so wonderful for me, and it only gets better with every passing day. David occupies a special place in my soul. It's a place for heroes and soul mates. I owe my life to my soul mate, a very special guy named David.

My list doesn't end there. There are my online heroes as well. Michael M. in Texas has offered me wisdom and patience that I am still learning. He told me that it's OK to be me. He recognizes my youth, and he encourages me to be the kid I can be as well as the intelligent young man I'd like to be. He offers hugs and love to my family and me, yet he rarely gets them back. I often blush when he says all the nice things I don't want to hear, and he knows it. My shyness shows at times, and he knows about the wall I put up between kind words and myself. But he knows that he has gotten through to me. So Michael, you are a hero to me. I love you as someone who has had extraordinary patience with me, yet someone who isn't afraid to tell me I'm being a jerk...in nice terms. And if I may say, hugs from David, Mom and ME.

If you think I've forgotten YOU, don't worry. You're reading my blog because you are special to me. I gave you my email address because you mean something to me. You've made it clear to me that you want to include me in your lives. How can I thank you for this? There are names of people who have only recently discovered Michael the Blogger. You know who you are. I look forward to getting to know some of you better, as I have not met you until recently.

I sat and thought about this last one for a while, but I want to mention someone very special to me. This person of honorable mention is someone about whom I always cared very deeply. I worry, too. His name is Ethan. I don't know how old he is, and he never told me. His Myspace age is 99, so I will treat him as if he is 16 years old. We shared quite a few frank conversations, and I'm glad we did. He got into showing suggestive mirror image pictures of himself on his Myspace page. The red switching lights flashed in my head. I was afraid he was on the wrong path...a path I took. I don't know if he got the message. He also got into web camming. I didn't want to know what he was doing. Many of his friends are obvious pedophiles intent on befriending young boys under the muse of being a young, hot gay boy. But Ethan is a giving kind of kid. In spite of a skin ailment that prohibits him from extended exposure to sunlight, he has become a teenage escape artist. He puts on shows for handicapped children. He escapes from straight jackets, in boxes, under water, hanging upside down, or whatever. Please...I don't want to watch. We shared so much, but something happened, and he lost interest...or faith in me. I would have helped with his writing problems, but he didn't want any help. I tried not to push the issue. I'll never forget Ethan. I will always remember him as one of the most special online friends I ever had. So Ethan, for your willingness to make children's lives a little happier at the risk of your safety, and for the happiness you give to others in the kind words you say, you are a hero to me.

Understandably, this blog has taken me some time to write. This has been a challenge to write. I did not want to run the risk of leaving anybody out, resulting in hurt feelings. When the speaker gets up and thanks people for helping out, and someone's name isn't mentioned, the end result is the slighting of someone whose contributions proved invaluable to the end result. This blog could be as endless as the list of heroes in my life. You've just read only a few of the names. After all, I need to do some studying. That way I might be on a similar list someday. Thank you for reading.